Learning to love where I am

Have you ever prayed for something and then realized maybe it’s not really what you wanted? Like really got on your knees and didn’t stop until you got it, just to act ungrateful when God finally opened the door because maybe it’s not as easy as you thought it would be?

I was working for the same company for 5 years and when I became born again I wanted out. The environment was just killing my spirit and I was praying for God to get me out of there and place me somewhere where I can be a blessing to people and grow spiritually, and He did. After long months of praying and a few interviews I finally got the job I wanted so badly. I have been working here for 6 months now and that joy of having a new job just wore off. I am the only christian in my workplace, so I tend to be the most positive and happy person here, which I’m OK with. I’m praying that somehow my happiness will ware off on my coworkers but honestly I find them avoiding me more than anything. There is such a negative spirit in my workplace that I find myself praying more than ever. I really feel like my presence annoys my coworkers. I was at the point that I wanted out. Waking up everyday to go to work became a drag and my joy was just diminishing more everyday. I would literally be dragging my feet walking to the building.

Then I spoke to God. I told Him I feel horrible because this is what I prayed for and He gave it to me and now I feel like I’m being ungrateful. I mean Jesus endured way more persecution and negativity than anyone can ever experience and He was still happy to do the will of His father, why can’t I be like that? Why is it that I have to be so selfish that I only worry about my happiness and not Gods plan? After speaking to God and letting Him know how I felt He spoke to my spirit. He told me I only feel the negative because that is all I am focused on. He reminded me of all the people I have come in contact with on my way to work on the train or just walking to get my lunch who have been a blessing to me. And the customers that God has blessed by using me to speak the word to them or just to speak a blessing on to their lives. He told me I shouldn’t be looking for a way to get out of a negative atmosphere but I should be praying for Him to sustain me in my situation. I am the only Bible those people may see. I have to be a light in a dark place and if He doesn’t place me in a dark place then how can His light shine? How can people notice the glory of God if there not surrounded by destruction first?. If my goal in life is to do the will of God then I will be happy to endure any criticism, bad talk or any type of persecution that might come with being a servant of Christ. It is going to strengthen me and teach me how to deal with difficult people and show them that unconditional love that God shows me everyday although I fail Him. But of course before realizing this I had to go through that doubt and that discomfort which ultimately led to me feeling guilty for doubting Gods plan and wanting out of it.

God is using us everyday in ways we will never understand. (John 13:7 – Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”)  But just like Jesus said eventually we will see. We only see the situation that we are in while we are in it forgetting that God paints on a canvas the size of the universe and He already has every detail of our life planned out. He knows the purpose of why He places us in difficult situations and it’s not our job to understand why. It is our job as servants of Christ to continue praising Him through the process, continue seeking Him for guidance and strength, and to just show the love of Christ and be that light in a dark world. As long as we are in the flesh we will always grow impatient and that’s OK. But not focusing on the now and just remembering all that God has promised us will carry us through everyday and we will feel more accomplished than ever. Because everyday we are walking in His will and getting closer to our destiny.

So today I woke up grateful for my job and blessed to be chosen to be that light in a dark place. Praying that the love of God will fill the hearts of my coworkers. I have a sense of fulfillment knowing that I am doing the Will of my Father. I will not give satan pleasure in seeing me down but I will defeat him by rejoicing in the Lord no matter my circumstance.

2 Corinthians 4:17 –  For our light afflictions and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

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Defeating the spirit of depression.

  • Depression- feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
  • Despondency- a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.

So its safe to say by definition that depression is a state caused by low spirits which is caused by loss of hope or courage.

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

God, our creator gave us our spirit. When we are walking with Christ the first thing the enemy is going to attack is our spirit. He does not want us to have any hope, faith or courage in our walk. He wants us to doubt every promise God has made to us. Unfortunately because we are in the world and we have to deal with many unpleasant circumstances, it is easy for us to feel doubtful. It’s easy to lose faith when you don’t see Gods promises manifesting immediately in your life or at least when you need them to.  We know that our lives are in Gods hands and His plan for our life will unfold in His time not ours. That’s hard to swallow because humans are just naturally impatient. I personally ask God to please hurry up almost everyday. I always tell myself to just be patient, greater is coming, blah blah. Easier said than done.

I recently came down with depression for like 4 days. I was out of it. I went to church, I was praising God but it didn’t feel right. I felt hopeless. I was trying to focus on Him but it was hard. Physically I felt terrible, my body was aching I just wanted to sleep all day. Which I did, and then I felt worse because I wasted days in bed when I could have been doing something to get closer to God. So that made me feel crappy. I don’t know why I can be so hard on myself when God already knows how imperfect I am and how I am going to fail Him every single day. He doesn’t expect us to be on our A game every single day. He knows the devil we are dealing with is very much alive and well and trying his best to make our lives miserable. I woke up yesterday determined to get over this feeling. It was Sunday but I didn’t want to go to church. I just wanted to be in a park around trees and birds with my Bible and just speak to God. I needed some alone time with Him. But of course the enemy wasn’t going to let me get that so easy. From the moment I wake up in my home its spiritual warfare. Being the only Christian in your household can be depressing alone. Most of the time I feel like I can’t even speak because there is never any conversation going on that God would like me to join in on. So I find myself alone a lot. But I was determined so I dressed my daughter and made my way out the door. I already felt better. When we got to the park I took a moment to just enjoy Gods beautiful creations. The trees that give us shade, the sun that keeps us warm, the breeze that cools us down, the music from the birds and my favorite is just looking at all the beautiful little kids enjoying their life carefree not tainted by the world and its many destructive ways. I was just taking it all in. I felt so at peace and I just began to speak to God. I opened the word and it landed on,

Psalms 91 – Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promise is your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night nor the arrow that flies in the day.

There’s more but just that part right there is enough to lift your spirit. God has not left me or forsaken me. He is with me while I’m having these spiritual battles. He is protecting me from the attacks I go through both at night and during the day. He is my refuge. It so easy to forget to just call on the Lord when we are going through something. We get so caught up trying to keep our minds occupied trying to do something to impress God when really there is nothing we can do that will impress Him. What gives God joy is when we have our faith in Him. When we turn to Him in our time of need. When we confess to Him that we are nothing without Him we can’t handle this life and we just need His help. Which is the truth. I can read 100 books, write songs, go to church everyday. God is not impressed by my works. He loves to know that I need my father to guide me. That when I’m down I’m not gonna sleep all day but I’m gonna pray until something happens. That I’m going to be the light in my home speaking the word even if it kills my family. I’m going to praise Him and worship Him because with every bad thing I can list going on in my life I can list at least 10 blessings. The good will always outweigh the bad when you are walking with Christ.

Back to what Timothy said God did not give us a spirit of timidness but of power! Meaning we have to live like that which like I said before is sometimes easier said then done but we have to try. In our weakness God makes us strong. As long as we depend on Him, He will strengthen us. But as long as we depend on ourselves we will continue to be weak. In trying to do things myself I became weaker but once I just stopped trying and told God to take control I felt a sense of peace that I can’t explain. The enemy is going to try anything he possibly can to discourage you in your walk with Christ. He will use everyone around you to stress you out and make you feel defeated. But we know the victory is already ours so we just have to cling to God and He will restore us. I realized that I don’t have to try so hard to do right by God. Having faith in His word and His promises is enough. Knowing and believing that He is God and He will make all things work out for my good is enough. (Romans 8:28). Waking up with a positive mindset and not focusing on the negative is enough. Being the light in my home and showing that unconditional love that God shows is enough. Rejoicing in my Lord and remembering all He has done for me is enough (Psalm 92: 4-6). Just the thought that Jesus came down to die for me, a hopeless undeserving sinner is enough to make me feel like I’m just that special to God. We all are. We just have to remind ourselves whenever we feel that depression creeping up on us. Jesus Christ died for us so that we can have a life full of joy, love, and hope. The enemy will try to destroy us but Jesus died so that we can have life and life in abundance. (John 10:10). Everyday we will grow, learn and become stronger in Christ as long as we lean on Him and not on our own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) So with that I say stay strong in your faith, don’t give up and pray until something happens.

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”